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  • Writer's pictureJan Avellana

One day you will run out of sidewalk And you don’t be able to run away from yourself anymore. You’ll sit on the pavement, Burning a hole through your paint splattered jeans Just you and the weeds, looking at one another in silence Both of you wondering, “How did I get here?”

“How do I live a different life?” You will ask the weed and it will not answer (it is a weed). So you will make your way and be off, Holey pants and all, Too, so, damned tired to care anymore Spent from trying to figure out the unfigureoutable tangle that is your life (However did you get that thought planted in your mind that there are answers anyways?) and you will find that thing, that doohickey whatchamacalit that makes the whizzy thing work and then you can lay down and die in peace finally, But not til then, Not til then.

-Jan Avellana Hongo, 2023

  • Writer's pictureJan Avellana

I made it to work today. Go me.

I'm back in the saddle again. I'm a bundle of tangled yarn today peeps, a small mess of a human being full of anxieties and insecurities, propelled forward by cold, black coffee and a pocketful of hopes. Not only am I facing re-entry to the job, but I am also nursing a vulnerability hangover from yesterday's post. As difficult as it is, these feelings of rawness tell me I'm on the right path as a creative. If I want this life, I have to (I get to) keep putting myself out there over and over again. It's nerve wracking, but there is joy here too, the joy of living with courage and the joy of connection with other like-minded souls--that's how I know it's true and right.

I'm going to make it into the studio today after work. It will be my reward for coming back to work today. Cheer me on in if you want--it doesn't matter what I create, just that I sit my butt down in that chair and put in the time.

Okay, deep breaths. I'm taking baby steps forward. How are you living your one precious life today? <3

  • Writer's pictureJan Avellana

I was listening to Margo Tantau's Windowsill Chats Podcast today, and absolutely devouring her chat with Beth Nydick. I've been binging, really. It's so, so, so good--if you haven't had a listen I so highly recommend it!

Anyhow, tomorrow I start up with work again, and I can't help but feel as if I'm at a crossroads. Nothing will change tomorrow--I will still go to my day job--but something has changed (me) and now I will go to my day job taking with me my arty hopes and dreams.

I have no goals as of yet, not mastermind plans or even inklings of where I hope to end up with all of this. I'm just starting again, and I'm okay with where I am, for once.

One BIG question that Beth asks in this podcast is "What is it that I need to world to know about what I think about life?" And so what is it? I think what I need the world to know is what I need to know myself: that it is possible to live a life you love. It is possible to take your art and your writing and share it with the world. The world needs what you have to give. What burns in my chest at night is this--if you hear a creative calling, have the courage to listen to it and follow it to see where it leads. I'm for creatives everywhere, I want to encourage those with creative callings to answer those callings in a way that brings and abundant life for that creative, and I want it to start with me.

In the past I've felt as if I've had to choose between answering my creative call and making a living. I still don't know how to do both at the same time, and maybe I won't ever know how. Or maybe I'll figure it out. In anycase, I don't want to choose anymore. I want both. A life that fulfills my creative calling and one that also heartily supports my family financially. There I said it. I'm on my way.

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