• Jan Avellana

Profoundly and Deeply Lonely

I took a short walk today during lunch to hit the reset button on my day and it jogged something loose that I wanted to share with you. It landed on my shoulder, heavy and pronounced, like warm bird poop falling from the trees overhead--unexpected, and yet, famililar.

And what resonated loudly in my soul was this thought: "I am profoundly, and deeply lonely". Of course, I don't go around using words like "profoundly" much, but it's what my inner voice said, with much conviction and warning, that it bears repeating here verbatim.

Yes. This is part of the diagnosis for what I have been stewing in for months now. A deep and intense loneliness, bey0nd what people and casual friendships might give, although I am really in need of that too. I feel deeply, intesnsely--and yes, profoundly lonely for connection. Being seen and being heard, being felt and understood to the depths of my most irritating whining and then, deeper still. A large part of this loneliness is being aware that few have travelled into these deep valleys of depression, and with that, few souls can truly know me.

Artmaking, writing, these creative outlets used to connect me to others in meaningful ways other pursuits might not. But I do so little of it these days (even though there has been a flurry of writing lately), I lack the community I once had, of likeminded, kindred-spirits. Becuase of C'OVID, those deep relationships I have that sustain me, don't sustain me as they once did, for my soul is the kind that needs oodles of time and the tenderest of nuturing, something I've not been able to replicate over Zoom or any other device.

This helps my soul to know today. Maybe it will help your soul to know too. That you and I are not broken beyond measure, we are not lacking oddities that go around forever being unfulfilled. Just the opposite. We are deep vessels, made for long draughts taken leisurely, on sweltering summer days and humid autuumn afternoons, and one day, we shall be full again and so, have something to pour out.

In the meantime, I swill continue to seek the deeps. I will continue to feel my losses profoundly, I will continue to ache with an unending throb, because this is what it means for me to be alive. You are welcome to walk with me if you seek the deeps too. <3