• Jan Avellana

A Heart to Heart With My Younger Self


Hello Sweet Girl,


You are not too fat,

in fact, you will probably never be this thin again so enjoy it now,

and wear the bikini,

and take selfies for evidence,

after your folds have folds

and crepey skin droops down your eyelids—

that you were once young and taught and fresh,

and there was a time gravity and oxidants had not affected you, yet.

oh, it will happen if you are lucky enough to live that long

and survive all the days that are coming to you,

the wonderful and the terrible.


Also, choose yourself starting today.

I am 50 and I am still waiting most days for someone to choose me,

like an undiscovered gem on American Idol,

especially for the crotchety one on the panel

to give me that golden buzzer, because then,

you are REALLY something if he votes for you.

Yeah...no.

Vote for yourself, pick yourself, choose yourself.

Let other folks say "No" if that's what they're going to say,

leave the disqualifying up to other people who are wrong

more than half the time anyway (and that incudes us)

but not you,

you say "Yes"—

"Why YES I'd love to accept. your scholarship, your gift, your kind and gracious offer. "YES, thank you for the compliment, YES I'd love to, YES I would like that very much (but only if you truly will)."

and also say "No".


"NO, I don't want that, NO, I prefer not, NO, I don't want to, NO I don't agree with you, NO thank you, and just No,

or as the Cody said when he was little,

"No, No, and more NO!"


But do always talk to yourself with an innervoice of your bestest, most loving and faithful friend.

You know the one.

Talk to yourself like she would talk to you,

and if you're lucky, she's a fiesty friend and will also slap you upside the head sometimes when you need to stop being ridiculous, but always in kindness with your good in mind.


And if you have a decision to make, always ask yourself first, "Do I WANT to?"

It took me decades to factor in that question about life-changing decisions that involved my life,

so do that starting today.

Following your want might still lead to a nasty break-up or the job from H-E-L-L,

but in the end you can be at peace with yourself because you chose it,

because OF COURSE you get to have a say in your own life,

because if not, then whose? Am I right?


And finally, a word about happiness—

your happiness.

Your happiness is your responsibility and no one else's.

Rinse, repeat.

Your happiness is your reaponsibility, and no one else's.

It is your sacred duty to be a happy person and bring your happy, contented self into the world,

because only then can you serve others in love, with purity of motivation and intent,

with a clean heart not giving because you want something desperately in return,

although it's good to give and receive, when you give, give out of your joy and not your misery,

if you can.


So what I'm saying is love yourself.

Self-loathing is a thing, but it's a horrid thing, so try to let it go.

Burn it with your most uncomfortable bra at sunrise and then walk away.

I love you just the way you are, with all your weirdness, quirks, broken parts and fussy days.


xo,

Jan